The varying lives of vegetables

This seemed to be a popular post in the last blog so I thought I’d move it over 🙂 ill probably update it soon. Or do one on fruit.

This has been an ongoing topic of conversation in my life, often started by me confessing that I think leeks are the spookiest of vegetables. It’s a good one for debate… lots of people get involved. Try it at home.

In the meantime here is my opinion on vegetables. Not their taste or anything, just if they were alive what I think they would be like. I haven’t done them all but there are a few. I might do the rest one day if I can be bothered.

Asparagus

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The ponce of the vegetable pack. Saunters around like they own the joint with their mental pointy hair style, looking down their long green stalk at the others with pity and disgust. Good mates with poached eggs and the like, but won’t really associate with any other veg.

If they were on a reality TV programme it would be Made in Chelsea.

Aubergine

Slightly head mental (often screams at passers by for no reason) and owns a lot of cats. The majority of which are ginger and have bits bitten out of their ears.

Broccoli

A bit rastafarian and very kind hearted. Likes to hug other vegetables, stroke their head and tell them everything will be OK in the morning. Keeps a lot of wild birds in the back garden and dances at the plants so they grow nicely. Sometimes goes and lays with the flowers and sings Bob Marley songs while pretending to be a tree.

Carrot

Very energetic and loving but extremely dim. Tries to bite their reflection when they look in the mirror.

Cucumber

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The most emotional veg, cries at everything from Postman Pat to Cash in the Attic. Often starts arguments with lettuce, tomato and other related salad creatures because they don’t feel loved enough and want a hug.

Leek

The SPOOKIEST vegetable. Acts a bit like a ninja turtle but more sneaky, pinching the other vegetables when they aren’t looking and often telling them ghost stories in the fridge. They don’t speak a lot but when they do they have a funny voice and say weird things.

Onions

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Rude, lazy and French (I have nothing against French people, I would just imagine it to be French). Often spits at people and pokes them in the eyes, then curling their mental moustache while thinking of garlic.

Peas

Peas are right arrogant, nasty little bastards. They roll around all smug, sneaking away from your fork just as you think you’ve got them, taunting ‘ooooooh what you gonna do?! Eat me with a spoon?!?!?! MUG.’

They go around in packs like vicious wolves, sometimes jumping on the floor when you pour them in the pan just to be annoying. I wouldn’t trust them, not even with a bit of bubble wrap and a feather. They’d probably make it into an evil torture device and kidnap the carrots.

Despite this I like peas. I just wish they were a bit less round.

Potato
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Proper chav. Can’t be bothered to get a job and called up Jeremy Kyle a few times because they wanted a free holiday to the studio and thought Jezza was a bit fit. Also wasn’t sure whether the mum of the potato family was actually the dad, if the uncle was sleeping with the dog and who out of the 9 possible potatoey chavs was the dad of the ‘new potato’. (I reckon it was Maris Piper, the dirty dog).

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