The secret alter egos of biscuits

Have you ever wondered what those crunchy critters get up to in your biscuit tin? After a discussion with the lovely Becky and Vinnie at work on the battle of the biscuits and which are best to dunk, I started to contemplate their personalities. It was also quite a nice follow up to the varying lives of vegetables.

A hard nut, but secretly very emotional. He pretends that he doesn’t give a shit and gets into lots of fights, but put him in front of PS. I Love You and you might catch a sneaky tear running down his shortbready cheek when Holly gets the birthday cake from Gerry.

Ginger nut
Scottish and an absolute nut job, often drunk and gets arrested because the police think he’s dealing crack. Streaks around the block and through Tesco swinging his kilt around his head when he’s had one too many Special Brews, and thinks that his dog can speak Russian.

Never mess with a Hobnob, he’ll kill you in one oaty punch. Strong and beefy with huge muscly arms covered in tattoos. He speaks in a deep, trance inducing Scottish accent (a bit like Gerard Butler) and has those crazy warning eyes that you can tell hold dark, scary secrets. Imagine the eyes of Tom Jones, but with a blacker past…

Milky cow biscuits (aka malted milk)
A tiny little nan, the type who you’d go to if you had a cold because she’d tuck you up in bed with a hot water bottle, a cup of warm milk and a pat on the head that says everything will be alright. An expert in potpourri scents.

Custard cream
Sweet, girly and giggly. Can be found skipping around gardens wearing flowery dresses and bare feet, singing to squirrels and making daisy chain necklaces for the pigeons.

Tries to be like Custard Cream, but not as nice or ditzy so it doesn’t quite work. Decent person and fun to go for a cheeky glass of rose with every now and then but you just don’t have the same amount of love for them.

French and quite sweet when you first meet them, but not actually that nice as a person. Be careful with what you tell them- they’ll act like your friend but then go and rat you out behind your back.

The dull friend in your friendship group, who you’re not really sure why you’re friends with them but they tag along anyway. Often lies about obscure things because they’re so boring.

Digestive’s cousin, the chocolate digestive
Surprisingly Digestive’s cousin is the complete opposite. Tanned, smooth and suave, amazing dress sense, ridiculously good looking and an absolute gentleman. You often wonder how the two are related.

Rich tea
Skinny, weedy, pale and quite strange. When you speak to them they stare at you for 15 seconds with wide fish like eyes before replying in a quiet, whispering tone. The type that you’d probably cross the road away from if they walked towards you at night just in case they tried to bite your ear off.

Jammy dodger
Cheeky chappy, great with the ladies but a bit gobby. Always up for a laugh and karaoke but often goes AWOL on a night out until you find him asleep on top of a tree/ Trafalgar Square lion/ recycling bin the next afternoon.

Squashed fly biscuits (aka Garibaldi)
The exotic one, who always surprises you with crazy stories from their travels around the globe. Not to everyones taste but good to bring on a night out to keep everyone entertained. You wouldn’t be surprised if they had a pet elephant in their garden.

Chocolate chip cookie
A bit like Jammy Dodger crossed with Ginger Nut- always out on the piss, dancing with people in the kebab shop after a night out and shouting at parked cars because they looked at him funny on the way back. Good fun to be around, but you can only deal with him in small doses.

Jaffa cake
The transvestite of the biscuit tin, no one can tell if they are a man or a woman, a biscuit or a cake… They have an interesting, very much marmite like personality- either you love them or you hate them.

I fucking hate Jaffa cakes.

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