The crafty lives of crisps

The weather has been a bit shit recently hasn’t it? WETTEST WINTER SINCE RECORDS BEGAN, HEARTLESS ICY WINDS, POLAR BEARS SURELY SET TO SOON TAKE OVER THE UK STARTING OFF WITH ICELAND STORES… Scary stuff.

With these vicious winds I often feel like a brave little crisp packet venturing outside the house, blown around without a regard. After confessing this to my housemate she decided to interrogate me about what flavour I felt I resembled. Now this question is not as simple as it may appear- once you start thinking about it (and I mean REALLY thinking about it), there are fuck loads of flavours, varieties, brands… Are you baked, fried, crinkle cut? The possibilities are endless. She also suggested that I would be smoky bacon because of my recent autumnal hair colour. I was offended to say the least- I definitely would not characterise myself as a packet of S.B’s- and retaliated by telling her she would be cheese and onion. Burned.

This conversation continued throughout my work day, questioning people on which flavour they would be. Its actually quite a fun game. And due to the popularity of the vegetable and biscuit posts, it seemed inevitable to do a crispy version. So here goes…

Ready Salted
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Not the most exciting of the bunch, but consistent and reliable. You trust him and would never catch him giving your mum a cheeky grope after he’s asked you to grab him a tipple from the kitchen. And he’d definitely tell you if you had toothpaste on your chin.

Salt and Vinegar
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Your best mate who you couldn’t live without. Always knows how to cheer you up when you’re down, and brings a bottle of wine round as soon as they hear you sniffling down the phone.

Cheese and Onion
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The cockney geezer, who smokes a lot and is partial to a pint of lager. You can always find him down the pub in his claimed seat with his bulldog Barbara, throwing dry roasted peanuts at the landlady so that she puts the football on.

Smoky Bacon
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Never mess with a smoky bacon. Not the henchest in the land but packs a mean punch and will knock you out in one sneaky swipe. Knows lots of karate moves.

Prawn Cocktail
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A very shady character. Often caught lurking around alleys and sniffs a lot, especially when coming out of toilets. You get on with them pretty well, but you would never leave your handbag alone with them.

Worcester Sauce
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The slightly posh one with a wild side. Think Prince Harry, but when he dressed as Nazi. They have a strangely regal accent, always buy organic food and bottled water, but are partial to drinking a tad too much gin and vomming all over their nicely ironed shirt.

McCoys Flame Grilled Steak
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Scottish, always wears a kilt (even to bed). Generally quite calm and collected, but could probably kill you with his evil stare and never, ever mess with his nan- he’ll fuck you right up. Probably with his homemade short bread.

Monster Munch Pickled Onion & Roast Beef
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Brothers, joined at the hip but couldn’t be more different. Roast beef is sweet, quiet, a hopeless romantic and cries quite a lot. Pickled onion is loud and screams constantly, smells a bit funky and tends to piss himself occasionally.

Space Raiders
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A right ugly, short little chav with slits shaved into his eye brows, but strangely quite a hit with the ladies. People often question the size of his Little Elvis because he is always massively punching above his weight. Dirty little dog.

Frazzles
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Lovely and completely ditzy, often walking into lampposts and open doors because they were distracted by thinking about the shady look in the eyes of a cat they thought they saw the other week. Worries about everything and needs a friend to reassure them that the world isn’t going to freeze over night/ dinosaurs won’t come back to life / beauty and the beast is not based on a true story and they can trust the candlestick while they sleep.

Skips
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Skips everywhere and has crazy curly hair. Loves yoga, Greek yogurt and singing to birds. Always chilling in the garden with a soothing meditation cd on, hugging trees.

Quavers
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Very thin and waif like. Not the most interesting to have a conversation with – they talk about themselves constantly, judge your drinking habits and always disappear on a night out to go home early.

Pringles
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A right babe, the type of person you want more of in your life. Gorgeous figure and ridiculously pretty, but kind and lovely as well – you want to hate them but you just can’t.

Nice n Spicy Nik Naks
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An absolute lunatic and seemingly from another planet. They can talk at you for hours and you won’t have a clue what they have been saying to you, often bursting into fits of laughter at their own jokes. Brilliant fun to be around though. Will.I.Am is a definite NNSNN.

Sweet Chilli Sensations
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Well travelled- the one who seems to have been everywhere so you go to for holiday advice and has a constant tan. Their house is filled with pictures from their exotic travels, and no doubt includes a few with elephants/ tigers / children from disadvantaged communities casually sat on their lap.

Doritos Tangy Cheese, Cool Original & Chilli Heat Wave
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Mexican triplets. Definitely the most mental three you will ever meet. If you go on a night out with them, don’t expect to get home that night. Or that week. They’ll probably get you so drunk that the whole group of you decide to go Amsterdam to take on their music business by starting up a band that cook hot dogs while you sing on stage after a lengthy discussion about what they are missing out there.

Hula Hoops
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Always looks very shocked – no one can tell if they have a very nervous disposition or they pencil their eyebrows on too high. Gasps loudly at anything slightly shocking and cannot ever watch horror movies.

Twiglets
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Tall and slim, with a proper brummy accent but sings like an angel. Always wears really short skirts, high heels, neon colours and applies too much fake tan/eyeliner. Loves animals.

Discos
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Constantly on drugs, crawling out of raves at 8am. They make you feel a bit dizzy when you try and have a conversation with them because their pupils are so large and they rock from side to side while swinging their arms above their head.

Wheat Crunchies
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A little stout northern lad with a shaven head and lots of tattoos, including one of his favourite cat Gary and his beloved nan Dot. Drinks nothing but bitter and absolutely loves a packet of pork scratchings.

Mini Cheddars
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Little round old lady who likes to knit and feed you biscuits every time you visit, while telling you the story about Mildred at number 42 who cracked onto Jeremy at their last bingo club gathering, even though everyone knows he has a thing for Geraldine. Her house smells like lavender pot pourri and cats.

Pom Bears
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The kindest person you will ever meet and gives amazing hugs. No matter what has happened you can always rely on them for stellar advice while wiping away your tears and making you a comforting, creamy hot chocolate. With marshmallows.

Wotsits
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The short nutty scouser with a permanent orange tan and talks so quickly that they sometimes dribble a bit.

Chipsticks
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Lovely and fun to be around, but always dresses like a bit of a tramp and don’t brush their hair properly so it looks as though they have just been dragged through a bush a few times.

French Fries
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French, a bit older, very rude and eats nothing more than a cube of cheese a day to maintain their boney frame. They wear so much perfume that you often end up coughing when they walk past from the fumes, until their angry poodle shoots you a death stare and you feel obliged to stop.

Kettle Chips
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The rich old couple, who are always shit faced during the day because they necked a bottle of port from their globe bar for shits and gig’s while watching Antiques Roadshow, dahling.

I know I’ve probably missed shitloads of flavours and varieties, but I decided anything more than the above would be slightly excessive and bordering on crisp fetishy. Which I’m definitely not.

Happy Sunday all 🙂

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